Professor Hojo's Experiments!
by Mantichorus
Summary: PG-13- bad language and slapstick galore! Hojo's been given his own TV show. With help from Vincent, Mantichorus, and DC, Vertigo and WildStorm characters, can he pull it off? Nah.


They said it couldn't be done! That I, Mantichorus, could not write a half-decent humour fic!!! But I shall prove them wrong!

_NANAKI: Not today, though._

_…No. Nanaki, as you're here, disclaimer, please!_

_NANAKI: Very well. Mantichorus does not own any of the characters in this fan fiction- they are all owned by Square-Enix and AOL/Time Warner. If he did own us, Vincent would have his own game, Zauriel would have his own comic, and Winter would not have left the WildStorm continuum._

**Key: **

"…" Speech.

(…) Whispering.

{…} Scene details, actions etc.

… Telepathic communication.

[…] Details of origin. [DCU] is DC Comics, [DCU/V] is Vertigo, and [WS] is WildStorm.

*** * * * ***

{Tifa's Seven Heaven. Vincent and Cid are having a drink.}

VINCENT: "I tell you, if I see Mantichorus again, I will not be held responsible for my actions."

CID: "I dunno why yer complainin', Vince mate. At least your getting work from him. Tight ass stopped the 'Chasing the Wind' project almost as soon as it started."

VINCENT: "I believe that was because a friend of his convinced him that, quote; 'There was no bloody way that Rufus survived that explosion!' Unquote."

CID: "… {Takes a swig of his beer.} Don't see why that Shinra SOB had to be involved anyway…"

VINCENT: "Well, how else were you supposed to learn…?"

?????:  "NOOOOOOO!!! {A mysterious figure enters and stands between Vincent and Cid.} Phew! Made it!"

CID: "Who are you, mysterious figure?"

?????: "My name is… {Pauses for dramatic effect.} Manitou Raven. [DCU]"

{Tifa and Cloud enter, struggling over the enormous weight of the beer barrels they've just brought up from the cellar.}

CLOUD: "Same every Friday." {Puts his barrel down.}

TIFA: "Yeah. You woulda thought that Cid would realise that, as Vincent can metabolise any poison, there is no way Cid will win a drinking contest with him… Who's that?" {Points at Raven.}

RAVEN: "I am… {Pauses for dramatic effect.} Manitou Raven."

VINCENT: "Who?"

RAVEN: "Manitou Raven. Come on, I served with the JLA for a while! {The assembled members of AVALANCHE stare at him blankly for a while.} The same group with Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern… Ring any bells? {Blank faces.} Oye. {Rolls his eyes.} Look, Mantichorus sent me… {Feels the Death Penalty against his forehead.} …You know him, then?"

VINCENT: "I'm using my agreed time-off from 'Of Ancient Blood'! He can't force me to…"

RAVEN: "Actually, he sent me to; a- prevent you from giving away part of his plot for 'Chasing the Wind'. He may restart it someday. And b- offer you a place in a humor fic he's starting. You'd be the presenter. TV show format, apparently…"

VINCENT: "Hmm. Okay. Lead on Raven! {Does his hand-movement thang that Fujin nicked for FF8… You know what I mean…}"

{GARY COLEMAN: "What're you talkin' about, Mantichorus?"}

{Oye…}

*** * * * ***

{Mantichorus is ordering several people around, when he is approached by Zauriel. [DCU]}

ZAURIEL: {Coughs politely.}

MANTICHORUS: "{Swirls around.} Wh--? Zauriel!! I thought I made it clear that…"

ZAURIEL: "He wants a biscuit."

MANTICHORUS: "Who does?"

ZAURIEL: "The guy the others and I are guarding."

MANTICHORUS: "Oh. Right. Here's some digestive biccies. {Hands over said biscuits.}"

ZAURIEL: "Thanks. {Walks off.}"

{Raven and Vincent enter.}

RAVEN: "I found him, chief."

MANTICHORUS: "Thanks, Manitou. Take five, yeah? {Raven walks off.} That crazy shaman… So, Vincent- will you be accepting my offer?"

VINCENT: "Depends… What's gonna happen in this show? {Glares at Mantichorus.}"

MANTICHORUS:  "Well… STOP GLARING AT ME, YOU WEIRD SOB!!! {Vincent complies.} Cheers. Now, what was I…? Oh, yeah. This guy'll put various theories to the test, and you'll present him. The humour bit comes from the fact that he's a right little twat, and he'll sod it up some of the time. You get to point out when he mucks up."

VINCENT: "Very well… Why's this in the Final Fantasy Crossover section?"

MANTICHORUS: "Apart from the guy who brought you in, and… Did you see Zauriel? {Vincent nods.} Look at this list. {Shows Vincent a really long list.}"

VINCENT: "Whoa. Those are some pretty tough guys… Zauriel, Sephiroth, Amarant Coral… Are these his bodyguards?"

MANTICHORUS: "Actually they're just to prevent him from running amok. The Turks are providing Security…"

VINCENT: "Hang on. WHO-IS-IT?"

MANTICHORUS: "(…Hojo.)"

VINCENT: "Sorry, I didn't hear you right as you whispered. I thought you said Hoj… I heard you right didn't I? {Mantichorus nods.} Why would I agree to appear along side Hojo?"

MANTICHORUS: "£500. Per show."

VINCENT: "Five hundred poun… That's what? Quad 9 Gil? {For those of you that don't know, quad 9 means 9999. Similarly, if you see trip 9, it's 999. Capeesh?} I'll do it."

MANTICHORUS: "Excellent! Places everyone! Prepare for…"

Mantichorus Presents… 

**Professor Hojo's Experiments!!!**

****

VINCENT: "Welcome. Today on Professor Hojo's Experiments, we'll be investigating- did birds evolve from dinosaurs? Please welcome… Ho-jo!" {Pre-recorded applause. Hojo's wheeled in by several powerful individuals. As well as those mentioned earlier, there's also Grifter [WS], Winter from [WS], John Constantine [DCU/V], and Dr Fate [DCU]. BTW, Hojo's strapped up like Hannibal Lecter… Zauriel releases him, and all the guards back off.}

HOJO: "Tee-hee-hee-hee! Anyone want Jenova cells???"

VINCENT: "(Blast Mantichorus and the almighty Gil…) So Hojo, can you think of an experiment to test if birds are descended from dinosaurs?"

HOJO: "Hmm. {Scratches his head like Winnie the Pooh.} Ah-ha! Mantichorus- I'll need..."

MANTICHORUS {Off-camera}: "(Don't talk to me!!! Let the Martian Manhunter know telepathically!!!)"

HOJO: "Okay! {Does so. Void [WS] teleports in with items.} Thank you. Now- observe: velociraptor."

RAPTOR: {Screeches.}

VINCENT: O_o

HOJO: "Now, I'll inject it with… {Pulls out unfeasibly big needle.}"

VINCENT: O_o

RAPTOR: O_o

HOJO: "…Jenova cells!!! {Does so.}"

VINCENT: O_O {Anime sweat drop.}

RAPTOR: OxO

HOJO: "Now… Scene change!!! {They are suddenly on top of the Shinra building in Midgar.} Now, I'll put this camera on its head. {It's one of those which fits on the animals head- you know, titchy-cam.} Now, turn that on. {Vincent turns 'that' on. A TV screen with the words 'Raptor-cam' appears.} Now… {Hojo pushes Raptor off the roof.}"

RAPTOR: Help meeeeee!!! 

VINCENT: "O_O The raptor's telepathic?!"

{Off camera…}

MANTICHORUS: "Bugger me. He's right!"

ZAURIEL: {Quietly informs Mantichorus of what he just said.}

MANTICHORUS: "O_O Nobody take that literally!!!"

{Back on-camera…}

HOJO: {Looking at screen} "Now, if dinosaurs are descended from birds, he will fly up-up-up to the heavens!!! Wibble."

VINCENT: "Uh-huh… O_o Wait… what did you say?"

HOJO: "Wibble."

VINCENT: "No… before that… {Realises what has happened.} Hojo, you baka! You were supposed to see if BIRDS were descended from DINOSAURS, not the other way 'round!!!"

HOJO: "…"

VINCENT: "…"

HOJO: "…Bollocks. {Raptor-cam is now VERY close to the ground, and then breaks off into static.} Ballsed that up, didn't I?"

VINCENT: "(Bloody hell! Mantichorus… You better pay up!) Anyway, that's the end of today's Professor Hojo's Experiments. Mantichorus wishes me to ask you to 'R&R' and give him ideas for any future experiments. He also hopes that you enjoyed this fic, and will frequent it again in the future. Goodbyeee."

A/N: You heard the ex-Turk! R&R! Please, I need some more ideas… 

_Hope you enjoyed this and will read the next one!_


End file.
